A Guest Blog from Kate Cruz
When I think about Sexy I don’t go straight to thinking about motherhood or being a mom in general. Normally motherhood makes me think about diapers, laundry, messes, and sleep deprivation. So how is it possible to be sexy and be a mother at the same time, and where did the sexy go after I became a mom? At 30 years old and a mother to a beautiful little girl, and wife to a great man, I often wonder how do I get my sexy back?
But, in the words of Justin Timberlake “I’m bringing sexy back.” How as a mom and wife do I do that? Every magazine out there talks about how to spice up your love life, what positions will get you and your man loving life, and what to wear to feel sexy. As a plus size woman I can honestly say none of those work, well at least for me they didn’t. I took all the quizzes and read all the articles but I still didn’t feel sexy nor did I feel like I loved my sex life. I have found that it is hard to balance all the many facets in life without dropping a few items of the list, case in point my husband and I haven’t had sex in almost 15 weeks, I know for some women that’s nothing but to go from a semi-active sexual lifestyle to nothing has been hard; also keep in mind that this isn’t his choice, it’s mine. Lately I don’t feel sexy or feel like I am able to do mom and wife right. So how do I change that, how do I get out of the rut and make some improvements to finally feel like my old self?
Well, I started by talking with my husband about what my issues were, my insecurities, my faults, and my fears. This was the hardest first step, mainly because I don’t like opening up about my faults, I am positive I am not alone here, however it was extremely difficult. We talked about all these aspects that kept me from feeling sexy and promised each other to work on them together. Secondly, I knew I needed to make more effort to give him what he needed in order for me to feel better about my body. My husband and I sat down for about in hour in bed watching TV and scrolling through lingerie that he liked, this again was hard for me. I prefer loose flowing items to hide the areas of my body I’m not comfortable with, like my stomach for instance. However my husband picked all these tight body-fitting pieces, I looked at him and said, “Are you kidding me?!?!” In my mind I was screaming, ‘What are you thinking? I am too big for things like that, I would never feel sexy in anything remotely that fitted, shear, or out there.’
To him, though, this is what he wanted; he didn’t care if I felt fat or awkward. He loves me for who I am and all my curves. I think that’s why it was so hard for me to be able to feel empowered and beautiful in my own skin. It’s not that I don’t want to feel sexy it’s that I find it difficult to love myself so why would I expect others to.
I know that validation comes from the self but, as a woman, it’s only natural to ask other women to help you through the struggle, so that’s what I did I asked my tribe of other moms. I belong to a social media group full of moms that offer advice, support, and comfort; another part of this group is an “After Dark” page filled with dares, again advice, and support to help you step out of the role as mom and into the sexual being all women can be. I’ve given my fair share of advice but never asked for my own. So I asked a few different questions about why it is so hard to just be comfortable in my own skin, and why is it that sex and intimacy were the first two items I dropped on my never ending list. I was surprised to see I wasn’t alone, many of the women in the group experience the same issues, “too much too do, so little time” that sex and intimacy with their partner came last if at all. So I decided I needed to change that, I needed to make a conscious effort to focus on me, and getting my sexy back.
Before kids, sex was so easy and it happened ALL the time, it happened in the car, public places, bathroom stalls (mother if you are reading this, I am sorry for this part), and more often than not I felt great and sexy. I’m sure I am not the only woman out here questioning where her sexy went and why she can’t get it back. But, I really think it comes down to finding what you want. I know that I may not be comfortable with my body overnight, but I do need to find ways to let myself go and embrace who I am. So I’ve decided to find ways to embrace me and empower who I am as a mother, wife, and woman. Now, the question is how to do that? I went back to my supportive mommies and asked the question, “How do I get my sexy back, for me???”
Many of them said to take a strip tease class, go to the gym and work out to raise my endurance and body image issues, others suggest a sexy photo shoot, many even suggested changing up my look to feel refreshed and renewed. Now the thought of me wearing nothing in front of a complete stranger is going to feel awkward, however a few of the moms in the group are photographers and I trust them.
So… that’s what I plan to do, I booked a time slot and in two weeks I will be taking the plunge and doing something daring and different! I also made an appointment to change up my look, and decided that it was time to make room for myself. Now I know that this may not be the avenue other women take but it is a start for myself. Feeling good needs to be a priority and not a secondary thought, putting myself out there and taking risks is going to be a new adventure. I also decided that one night a week I am checking out of mom and wife duty to play the sexy girl friend role to my husband, I plan to dress up, let my hair down, and be flirty and fun. This is KEY to making our marriage and sex life interesting. So for all you women out there who don’t think they are sexy or can play more roles than mom and wife I am here to tell you “YES YOU CAN!”
If a self-conscious stay at home mom and wife can do it you can too! Embrace those curves and show the world that curvy is sexy as hell.